The RBF: Lessons in Leadership

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was in a meeting with my new boss and about eight other people. I was presenting a new idea, a new way for us to approach reaching our customers using digital marketing. I was presenting to an IT Director with old-school habits who I could tell didn’t trust me as he had spent the last 20 years always doing things the same way he had been doing then. He was quick to shut my idea down stating that it just wouldn’t work. I knew in my head that he likely didn’t fully understand what I was saying so I tried again. He got defensive and shut the idea down once again. After an awkward silence, my new boss then said the classic line we all love to hate, “Becca, let’s take this offline.”

After the meeting ended my boss who I had known for about a week pulled me into her office. She explained that I should never push an idea onto a superior if they don’t agree with it, that I should never cross my arms in a meeting as it’s negative body language and that I need to work on my facial expressions.

“You have resting bitch face,” the statement rolling off her tongue as if it was something she said every morning.

I was stunned. I don’t even remember what she said after that to be honest. When she finished talking I smiled awkwardly and left her office. If I could go back in time I would have had a different reaction. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess.

That moment, that 5-minute talk with her changed my career, my views on business processes, prejudice in the office and my thoughts about women in business. It taught me valuable lessons far beyond whether or not I should cross my arms in a meeting. In particular, this moment taught me a lot about leadership – the good, the bad and the ugly. More importantly it taught me about the kind of leader I want to be.

So without further ado, here is what Resting Bitch Face (RBF) taught me about leadership:

Good leaders Dare Greatly.

They believe in taking risks, being vulnerable, choosing courage over comfort, and showing up. My manager in the RBF situation let me down that day. She choose comfort and she didn’t show up for me when I needed her. If you have constructive feedback for an employee talk to them in private, don’t call them out in a room of their superiors. And if you do, use your words wisely and don’t just put them down.

Good leaders put their teams first.

Because I am now acutely aware of the importance of trust in a team, I can say with confidence that good leaders support their teammates and direct reports in meetings. This doesn’t mean we all have to agree, but it means that when your team member is presenting an idea you support them. Supporting doesn’t mean you don’t have questions or can’t have suggestions to improve it. It means hearing them out and letting them share their thoughts in a meeting. If they tell you about it beforehand and you think it’s a good idea don’t suddenly change your mind when someone else disagrees. This doesn’t mean we have to support every idea that is brought forward, but I know good leaders let their team feel heard.

Good leaders have empathy.

They put themselves in their teammates’ shoes and try to have compassion for what their team members may be feeling.

Good leaders know that trust is crucial to their team’s success.

For me trust goes out the window along with respect, work ethic, kindness, and more. Trust is the foundation that good teams are built on. Years later I now work with solid teams in every aspect of my life and trust is always at the core of those teams and relationships. I also believe that teammates are willing to jump into dark waters when they trust their leaders.

Good leaders know that no one has all the answers.

For my entire career I have almost always been the youngest person in the room and have often held onto an internal fight to prove myself. I thought if I admitted not knowing something I would seem weak, stupid. Only in the last few years have I truly embraced not knowing everything and being very okay with it. I have some solid colleagues, leaders and mentors in my life today that constantly remind me that everyone is (or should be) in a state of growth, and good leaders acknowledge and encourage this.

Good leaders want to experiment and try new things.

I wish I could go back into that meeting and fight for my idea. When you’re a twenty something sitting at a table of fifty somethings it’s easy to feel unheard and intimidated. I knew my idea would help and I should have pushed back harder. For the record, they implemented it 8 months after I left.

Good leaders are willing to be wrong and are willing to fail.

It has only been since I have had leaders who are willing to fail that I truly understand good leadership. These strong leaders know that having something not work out is not a fail, it’s a moment to learn and grow. Being wrong, taking on challenges or working through something new builds character.

Good leaders take a step back in new situations.

Understanding the people you work with is just as important as getting to know the work those people do. Good leaders do not act like bulls in a china shop. They step back to learn and observe in new situations, and are not careless with their actions and words.

Good leaders listen.

A fabulous leader I had early on in my career encouraged our team to “always make sure you are listening and not just waiting for your turn to talk.” I started my career as the youngest person at most of the tables I sat at. Because of this and my experience as a college instructor I can say with confidence that young people have some of the best ideas. They may not know everything (who does?), but they get it and have solid ideas. So listen.

Good leaders back off.

Yep, you read that right. You hire smart, capable individuals who have spent years studying and working on their craft. So if you don’t specialize in that area, back off. You may be a great leader but you don’t know everything, and likely don’t know what your well-educated, well-trained senior specialists do. (With that being said, no one knows everything so don’t be cocky if the tables are turned!). When you don’t back off as a leader two things happen: 1) your team stops speaking up and bringing things forward to help make the business more successful, and 2) you push good people away.

Okay sorry gentlemen, but this is for the ladies out there. Female leaders help, support and encourage other female leaders. I have only had two female leaders in my life who truly pushed the women on their teams to stand up, work hard and take credit for their success. They truly let the women on their teams shine. We live in world where women are bred to compete, to put each other down and to sacrifice other women to get ahead. It doesn’t have to be that way and it’s insane that a lot of workplaces are like this.

I hope to pay it forward in my career for young women just like these leaders in my life did for me. As for the RBF, I’ve learned to embrace who I am and how I present myself. I am confident in my capabilities and how I carry myself at work and at home. I don’t apologize for not smiling or acting like more ‘of a lady’ in meetings. I truly believe that if I was a man that comment would never even have been said that day. I’ll take my learnings on leadership and my awareness of workplace double standards and use them to ensure I’m the best leader possible every day. To the young women reading this, you are smart, strong and capable. Smile, straight faced, crossed arms, skirt, pants, makeup, no makeup, you are enough. You Go Girl.